The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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