so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i love accidental penises.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
