Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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