Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
