Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
