things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
