One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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