I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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