this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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