Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
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