let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
