oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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