I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
