i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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