Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize