pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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