i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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