So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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