I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
