i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
