I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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