Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
