vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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