Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
