we made out on top of his cat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
