based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
