I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
