there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
