So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize