I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
