Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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