I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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