we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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