Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
