dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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