Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
