The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I didn't shave. On purpose
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
