this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
