I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
