He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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