I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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