I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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