yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize