just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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