I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
