normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
