can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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