I can text with my tongue
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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