What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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