I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
