Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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