So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
