Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
