I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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