got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
