I'm passing your future prison.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
