i just wanna soil my oats bro
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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