So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
