i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
