My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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