New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i've created a new STD.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
